(BABY MJ ON MOVE IN DAY)

Making moves! That’s pretty much the only way I can explain it. Since the moment I found out that I got the job as Co-host of The Kane Show in DC, my little family has been doing nothing but making moves constantly!

We packed up our whole house in less than ten days. Surprisingly I wasn’t as emotional as I thought I would be.  We jetted off to Saint Lucia and spent ten days with Slimmy’s family! It was so beautiful and I got a chance to relax before we moved across the country. We jetted back home to Minnesota, just to say goodbye and then we Jetted off to DC.

You could not BELIEVE the amount of plane rides we have been on over the last month! Today we moved into our new place…well kinda. We moved all our stuff in, but were still living in a hotel because we don’t have our bed here yet.

I should be stressed! I haven’t slept much in the last two weeks getting reacquainted with the wee hours of the morning (and by wee I mean 3:40 am.) BUT I’M NOT!

I literally have never felt more stress free. I am sure there is a word for this, but I’m drawing a blank. All I know is that at this moment, this is exactly where I am supposed to be.

Nothing is unpacked. Baby girl is back in bed with us because she hasn’t had her crib to sleep in and I am sure this is going to be extremely hard to fix. Callie cat is still back at home and I miss her like crazy (she’s coming this week!) and we have to use GPS to get to even the closest places.  All day, all night, I’m lost in this big ass city and you know what?! It feels right! 100 percent right, in fact it feels more right than anything else ever has.

Amazeballs!

…My whole life changed with a phone call. I am as open as they come, that kind of thing happens when you literally grew up on the radio. So it’s no secret that last year was hell on earth for me. In case you need a reminder I will quickly run it down.  Postpartum depression (which led to marriage problems), the death of Uncle Billy followed by the death of Pa, the deaths of both of Slim’s grandmas, the end of my 8 years at 96.3 and at this moment, i am positive I am forgetting some of the bad…needless to say it was rough. 2012, for me, will forever go down as easily the worst year of my life.

So then I decided that I would claim 2013 as my year. I knew that I couldn’t control the things that happened to me, but I for damn sure could control my response to them. My year of positivity I would call it! I have absolutely no intention of being a victim so I would always try to face even the most terrible situations with a bit of optimism.

It hasn’t been easy, there have been some terrible situations that have popped up in 2013, but no matter what, I refused to be sucked into negativity and drama.

The job hunt has been insane, who knew that applying for jobs was like a job in itself. Months passed with no big leads. A few things seemed like they would pan out, they didn’t. Through it all, I felt like something big was gonna come and I had to just be patient.

And Just like that, my whole life changed with a phone call! It was the job that I had been waiting, praying, hoping for…the one that would change my life. Change our lives! I flew out, interviewed…and then I waited for what seemed like forever but what was actually a couple weeks. Then I got the call. Not even gonna lie, my heart was racing and I was holding Slimmy’s hand and I was scared, and then they asked me to join their team!

I cannot put in to words how amazing that moment was. It was like the ridiculous amount of stress that had been weighing me down was completely lifted. The crazy thing is, I feel like last year was a test. A horrible, terrible, amazing test of my inner strength…I also feel like I passed and now this new chapter will be my reward.

AND NOW THE CONFESSION: I am leaving the only home that I have ever known. Minnesota and her people have been so good to me. It’s where I met my BFC! It’s the place I met/fell in love with my Slimmy.  It’s where Baby MJ was born! It’s the place that I represented for an entire year as Miss MN 2007! It’s the place where I learned to love complete strangers because after listening to me on the air for 8 years, we had become family. My family is here, my friends are here…MY LIFE IS HERE. My home is Minnesota and it always will be, Minnesota will always have my past…but my future belongs to some place else.

Over the next TEN days I will be packing my entire life up and moving across the country. I am terrified, but beyond excited. This is the opportunity of my life and I am READY!

Thank you for watching me grow up! For seeing me and loving me through crazy breakups, death, love, LIFE, postpartum, Bridezilla LOL…EVERYTHING, and I hope you continue to be there.

I promise to keep you updated on everything! This is an adventure I plan to blog about daily. A new life, a new place, Baby MJ growing up and someday welcoming a sibling…It will all be right here! Yes we are leaving, but the love I have for all of you will not disappear as I cross state lines.  I am thankful, beyond blessed and like I said…I AM READY!

I hope you follow us on this journey!

Love, Danni, Slimmy, MJ and Callie!

PS: OF COURSE I WILL TELL YOU WHAT IT IS AS SOON AS I AM ABLE TO!

“The three hardest things you will ever have to say are I love you, I am sorry, and I need help!”

Recently I have had to say all three. I want you to know that no matter how bad I want to protect you, you will experience heartbreak, failure, disappointment…things that push you past your limit.

In those moments it is important to remember who you are, what you stand for and not let the situation get the best of you. Trust Mommy on this one, I have been there…

I recently wrote a letter to a few people, I want you to have it.

“Dear people who mean the most to me,

For awhile now I have been having trouble sleeping trying to figure out exactly how to verbalize what I want to say. As most of you know, 2012 was NOT my year (pa, uncle Billy, both of slims grandmas, postpartum, job, marriage issues, new mom panic). I have spent a lot of time reflecting on 2012 and I owe you all an apology.

I wish I was stronger and didn’t fall into feeling sorry for myself, but I did immensely and I said things, did things and was childish, jealous and not myself because while my world was crumbling, it was very difficult to watch everyone else be so normal.

I wanted to write to you because I realize that the people I love got the brunt of what I was going through. I am very sorry for any and everything that I may have done. I was not there for people the way I wanted to be, I said things that I never would have said, I hurt people…the people I love the most. I am sorry.

I was miserable and instead of fixing it, I fell into misery loves company.  What I learned is that, when you hurt the people you love, it doesn’t make you feel better…it makes you feel worse. I wish I would have learned this all sooner. and for those who have lived the long haul with me, I appreciate the years of putting up with dramatics and my over the top personality and the unconditional love you have shown me regardless. I know I haven’t always been the easiest person to deal with…at times demanding and downright oblivious to the needs of those around me. I am sorry.

Over the past few months two things have really called me to question myself and everything around me. 1. Slim’s hospitalization and 2. going to the most intense marriage/self counseling ever.

What I learned from those two situations: I did not like at all the person that I was in 2012 (and probably longer, but mostly 2012) , I wasn’t the best wife, mother, or friend that I could be. LIFE IS SHORT and most importantly, it is NEVER too late to change and be the person that you want to be, the person that you need to be.

Instead of punishing myself anymore for how I was I finally decided to make some changes and I did. I know that it is very hard to see past history especially when you have a history of passive aggression, dramatics, etc and even worse if you experienced the 2012 version of me, but I can promise you that hindsight is 20/20.

I apologize again for not being there like I should have been, for saying things to make myself feel better, for being miserable in my own situation and taking it out on you. Moving forward, if you choose to be around, I ask that you trust that 2012 has taught me my biggest lesson yet and you at least give me the chance to show you the changes, not just tell you.

It is a horrible feeling to feel like a different person, know that you are…and still have to deal with being told who you are because people know you so well. Yes, you all know me very well…but sometimes something happens called progress and character development and that is what has been happening. Now that I am done shutting myself off and being miserable to the people I love, I would love if you would take some time to get to know me… I am still me, just a 2.0 version that I promise you will enjoy more and who will never again take out my self pity on the people i love the most again.

Thank you for listening!
Love yelly”

You will mess up baby girl, but learning to say you are sorry, asking for help, and telling the people who mean the most to you that you love them…that’s what is important! You have to learn from the tough moments! You know what I learned? That Unconditional love is incredible!

Here are some of the responses I received from my letter…

“Don’t need to read it all to tell you I LOVE YOU unconditionally.”

“I love you.  We all go through rough patches in our life and lucky for most of us we push on and are able to see our “down falls. ” You are loved by many and for very good reason, you are a kind and loving person who is always trying to find new ways to be a better person.”

“You will be successful no  matter what you do because you have a powerful mind and an everlasting determination. Sometimes when I am frustrated in life and am lost without understanding I forget I am not alone. I forget that there is always someone watching over me and that those who have loved and sacrificed for me have a better plan.”

“No needs to apologize. Friends are there thru thick and thin.”

“I am glad you want to change for the better but I also think you are pretty great.”

“Yelli, I love you for you. And this isn’t some sappy bull crap  its the truth. I love all my friends because they are true to themselves, pure real and raw characters.  I’ve always respected your blatant honesty even though it may be hard to swallow, your spit fire personality with mirroring humor, and your love for drama (don’t lie, you like that shit).”

 Honestly baby girl, I wasn’t expecting a response, that was not the intention of the letter but what it taught me was priceless. The people that love you, and I mean REALLY love you. They don’t disappear because you make a mistake or ten, they love you through your mistakes! It was important for me to share this with you because I need you to know that Mommy isn’t perfect, but more importantly that when you feel overwhelmed, lost, disappointed in yourself and your choices…there will ALWAYS be someone who loves you through it. In fact I am willing to bet that there will be many people who love you through it. You will always be good enough, and I hope you never feel like you are not!

But in case you ever do, in your worst moments…I will be here to remind you that I once was where you are and that unconditional love is a beautiful thing!

Love you so very unconditionally!

-Mom

Mommy is in no way creative, I have never been, but when you become a mom you realize quick that kids and creativity go hand in hand. I am fully aware that you will have no memories of your very first birthday party, but I don’t care! This first year was a milestone for us all. You turned into a walking, talking little person and mommy and daddy survived so I knew we had to do it big!

Since before you were born I have been collecting great ideas on my baby MJ board on Pintrest and I was finally ready to put them to use! I stayed up late making treats and I have to admit I really enjoyed it! I may not be creative, but for you I will do anything! Daddy took me shopping for your decorations and nothing was too good (or expensive) for his baby girl. He loves you so much.

You were late to your own party because not even your first birthday should interrupt your nap time (and because you are my daughter lol) but when you showed up dressed as Minnie Mouse, everybody was so excited.

There was great music, a face painter/balloon twister and lots of games and treats. You played, laughed, and ate cake for the first time! It was a day I will never forget (you will get to learn of it through videos and pictures.)

I can’t wait to plan all of your birthdays. Parties are kinda mommy’s thing :) Your first Birthday party was awesome! Here’s to another year sweet girl!

Scrapbook created with Smilebox

You had an amazing first year of life baby girl!

You were a miracle to two people in love.

You were a child of GOD!

You were Grandma Judy and Mima’s world.

You were proud to be black!

You were a great granddaughter.

You were a rock star!

You were a cheerleader!

You were a camper…

 a hiker…

and a planker.

You were a swimmer…

and a swinger.

You were a thug!

You were an advocate.

You were a Minnesotan…

and a Saint Lucian.

You were a wino!

You were an animal lover…

and a cookie stealer.

You were a mustache lover!

and a relaxer.

You were a friend…

and a cousin.

You had sleepovers!

You were loved!!!

MOSTLY, you were one man’s world

and one woman’s heart

WE PROMISE TO MAKE EVERY YEAR FULL OF MEMORIES! WE LOVE YOU IMMENSELY AND YOU HAVE BEEN THE GREATEST GIFT TO US! HAPPY BIRTHDAY SWEET GIRL!

BFC,

About a year ago I had the bright idea to write you a letter telling you how much you mean to me. Every time I attempted, I failed miserably. How could I possibly tell you what you mean to me? How could over a decade of friendship be summarized or put on paper? It seemed nearly impossible so for a while, I gave up.

AND then I had Munchie, got postpartum, lost unk and Pa and literally almost lost my sanity. I say almost because you wouldn’t let me. I should have known that it would eventually work out because no matter what I was going through, there was someone who would always make sure I was standing on solid ground-YOU.

You have been the truth, even when I didn’t want to accept it; you have been the anchor that kept me grounded when I could have easily lost control. You have been the ever-constant voice of reason (even when you weren’t trying to be). 

It is safe to say that this year was horrible for me, but what is even more amazing…is that it was equally as horrible for you-somehow, though, you fought through your own struggles and focused on me. I was in the lowest, most horrifying place and I tried to push you away (like that has ever worked lol.)

You must have known how bad it was for me, because you became my personal nurse, personal attendant, and in a way you saved me from myself, and the disastrous path I was headed down.

That time is somewhat of a blur; it wasn’t until months later that I actually learned of your struggles as well. I felt like the worst best friend ever. But in true Claire fashion you put me at ease and explained that you were so worried about me and you were just glad that I was better.

I’m glad that I am better too, but I really am sorry that the worst time of my life coincided with the worst time of yours and that I wasn’t equipped to help you through it… but maybe that was the plan? Maybe you were meant to help me through, that’s what you do Claire. You help and you fix…that’s what you have always done and I love you for it.

When I do inventory of the important moments of my life, my proudest, my saddest, the most amazing, there is one constant-YOU.

Who would have thought that the little white girl saving the little mixed girl from drowning (which was probably an over exaggerated ploy for attention, we will never know lol) would lead to this?

Heartbreak-You know the story because you lived it with me more than once, you were always there to tell me I was good enough, I would land on my feet and to make me feel better…

You have been by my side through every unfortunate hospital stay, even helping a sister out when I couldn’t do my hair lol. You grabbed that pink lotion so quick and made me as presentable as I could be considering the circumstances lol…

You moved me into college and then cheered for me when they handed me my diploma…

You found my house for me, so I moved 2 blocks away from you…and then I volunteered you to throw me an engagement/housewarming party and you did it without killing me.

You stood by me on my wedding day, and the not so pretty moments leading up to it. You spent the night with me the night before and I remember being sad thinking I really hope marriage doesn’t complicate the best relationship that I have ever had.

You were there when I gave birth to my little baby. You told me I was amazing, and I believed you because that’s how it has always been…you tell me the truth, ALWAYS.

You held my baby when I laid Uncle Billy and Pa to rest, I didn’t even have to worry about her at all because she was with you and I was allowed to actually grieve.

More times that I can count you have been my sounding board, shoulder to lean/cry on, and my place to runaway to (can’t even count how many times I wound up sneaking over and crying while you held me)

They say people are guilty by association, I certainly hope so. It says a lot about me, if you call me your best friend. You know what’s so amazing about you? The fact that you have NO IDEA how truly amazing you are.

There are many things that I will teach Munchie, but one thing I am certain of… She will ALWAYS know what a true friend is. She has seen that from the very moment she was born when she met me, and just a few moments later met my best friend. She will KNOW that family isn’t always connected by blood because you are her auntie no matter what anyone says.

I look forward to the day she brings home her Claire- the person who will help her even when I can’t. The person she will entrust her inner most secrets and dreams to. The person she will get into trouble with, learn lessons with and experience life with.

Thank you for always being on time (clearly you know I don’t mean literally) Thank you for ALWAYS having my back, for supporting me, for loving me, for loving my family like your own. Thank you for everything.

I couldn’t figure out what to get you for Christmas…no gift seemed like it could do justice for what you have done for me this past year (and the last 14). So instead I would like to tell you that I can’t wait for a few more decades of shenanigans with you and I promise to always be here for you, ALWAYS! I promise to have your back, tell you the truth and stand by your side through all of your happy, sad, proud and amazing moments. It’s the least I can do. Thank you for allowing me the privilege of being your best friend and thank you for being mine and setting an amazing example for my daughter.

I loved you fat, skinny, braces, boobless, giant boobs- I loved you when you wore overalls and scrunchies, I loved you when you ate meat and I love you now that you don’t. If I can love you as Compton ass Claire with your northside ponytail, I KNOW I WILL LOVE YOU FOREVER!

Merry Christmas Claire Bear!

 -Love Yelly

Dear baby girl,

Today I watched you as you played in baby jail (your crib) and you were so content. I stood a few feet away not wanting to interrupt your play time and I had the biggest smile on my face. You were just baby-talking away and laughing…a little world all your own, so precious.

I didn’t have as long as I wanted to watch you giggling away to yourself, but it was long enough for my heart to break a little. Right now your little world probably seems euphoric. You have Mommy and Daddy who play with you and love you up and you are always happy. I dread the day you are introduced to the heartbreak of the real world.

someday you will learn things that your precious little mind probably won’t be able to comprehend. You will be taught about many tragedies including Columbine, 9/11, and Newtown Connecticut and you will ask me questions…I fear this hypothetical moment more than you could possibly imagine. 

How will I tell you that I still remember exactly where I was and how I felt on those days? How do I tell you to not be afraid? How do I not protect you from such horror stories? How do I tell you about the innocent babies?

The truth is, baby girl, I will have to tell you the truth and for many reasons. I will tell you the truth because you will trust me…and I will help you through it. I will tell you the truth because those sweet babies deserve to be remembered and I will tell you the truth because unfortunately this is the truth.

This world is not perfect, I know you see that. I know that you can’t imagine how people could treat each other so terribly…I know you will feel disappointed in your world, in the people of the world. You will doubt, you will cry, you will be furious. You will lose peace of mind. It hurts my heart just thinking about it…but baby girl, NEVER LOSE HOPE.

In those terrible moments that test your faith please remember the good in people. Remember the random acts of kindness. Remember the people who stood up for the less fortunate. Remember those that died to protect another. Remember NOH8, remember the people who were not afraid to speak up for what is right regardless of the cost…

and if none of that calms your heavy heart, remember me. Find solace in knowing that no matter what the world threw at mommy…she NEVER lost hope! Do I feel helpless sometimes? Absolutely, but mommy is NEVER hopeless.

How can I be hopeless when God gave me you?  You baby girl are hope! My sweet, talking to herself, shouting Dada, refusing to say Mama, beautiful, little hope!

I love you!

-MOM