Mommy Letters to Baby!

I love you Already!

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Baby Girl, Choose Your Best Friend Wisely!

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BFC,

About a year ago I had the bright idea to write you a letter telling you how much you mean to me. Every time I attempted, I failed miserably. How could I possibly tell you what you mean to me? How could over a decade of friendship be summarized or put on paper? It seemed nearly impossible so for a while, I gave up.

AND then I had Munchie, got postpartum, lost unk and Pa and literally almost lost my sanity. I say almost because you wouldn’t let me. I should have known that it would eventually work out because no matter what I was going through, there was someone who would always make sure I was standing on solid ground-YOU.

You have been the truth, even when I didn’t want to accept it; you have been the anchor that kept me grounded when I could have easily lost control. You have been the ever-constant voice of reason (even when you weren’t trying to be). 

It is safe to say that this year was horrible for me, but what is even more amazing…is that it was equally as horrible for you-somehow, though, you fought through your own struggles and focused on me. I was in the lowest, most horrifying place and I tried to push you away (like that has ever worked lol.)

You must have known how bad it was for me, because you became my personal nurse, personal attendant, and in a way you saved me from myself, and the disastrous path I was headed down.

That time is somewhat of a blur; it wasn’t until months later that I actually learned of your struggles as well. I felt like the worst best friend ever. But in true Claire fashion you put me at ease and explained that you were so worried about me and you were just glad that I was better.

I’m glad that I am better too, but I really am sorry that the worst time of my life coincided with the worst time of yours and that I wasn’t equipped to help you through it… but maybe that was the plan? Maybe you were meant to help me through, that’s what you do Claire. You help and you fix…that’s what you have always done and I love you for it.

When I do inventory of the important moments of my life, my proudest, my saddest, the most amazing, there is one constant-YOU.

Who would have thought that the little white girl saving the little mixed girl from drowning (which was probably an over exaggerated ploy for attention, we will never know lol) would lead to this?

Heartbreak-You know the story because you lived it with me more than once, you were always there to tell me I was good enough, I would land on my feet and to make me feel better…

You have been by my side through every unfortunate hospital stay, even helping a sister out when I couldn’t do my hair lol. You grabbed that pink lotion so quick and made me as presentable as I could be considering the circumstances lol…

You moved me into college and then cheered for me when they handed me my diploma…

You found my house for me, so I moved 2 blocks away from you…and then I volunteered you to throw me an engagement/housewarming party and you did it without killing me.

You stood by me on my wedding day, and the not so pretty moments leading up to it. You spent the night with me the night before and I remember being sad thinking I really hope marriage doesn’t complicate the best relationship that I have ever had.

You were there when I gave birth to my little baby. You told me I was amazing, and I believed you because that’s how it has always been…you tell me the truth, ALWAYS.

You held my baby when I laid Uncle Billy and Pa to rest, I didn’t even have to worry about her at all because she was with you and I was allowed to actually grieve.

More times that I can count you have been my sounding board, shoulder to lean/cry on, and my place to runaway to (can’t even count how many times I wound up sneaking over and crying while you held me)

They say people are guilty by association, I certainly hope so. It says a lot about me, if you call me your best friend. You know what’s so amazing about you? The fact that you have NO IDEA how truly amazing you are.

There are many things that I will teach Munchie, but one thing I am certain of… She will ALWAYS know what a true friend is. She has seen that from the very moment she was born when she met me, and just a few moments later met my best friend. She will KNOW that family isn’t always connected by blood because you are her auntie no matter what anyone says.

I look forward to the day she brings home her Claire- the person who will help her even when I can’t. The person she will entrust her inner most secrets and dreams to. The person she will get into trouble with, learn lessons with and experience life with.

Thank you for always being on time (clearly you know I don’t mean literally) Thank you for ALWAYS having my back, for supporting me, for loving me, for loving my family like your own. Thank you for everything.

I couldn’t figure out what to get you for Christmas…no gift seemed like it could do justice for what you have done for me this past year (and the last 14). So instead I would like to tell you that I can’t wait for a few more decades of shenanigans with you and I promise to always be here for you, ALWAYS! I promise to have your back, tell you the truth and stand by your side through all of your happy, sad, proud and amazing moments. It’s the least I can do. Thank you for allowing me the privilege of being your best friend and thank you for being mine and setting an amazing example for my daughter.

I loved you fat, skinny, braces, boobless, giant boobs- I loved you when you wore overalls and scrunchies, I loved you when you ate meat and I love you now that you don’t. If I can love you as Compton ass Claire with your northside ponytail, I KNOW I WILL LOVE YOU FOREVER!

Merry Christmas Claire Bear!

 -Love Yelly


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Dear baby MJ, I Have to Tell You the Truth!

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Dear baby girl,

Today I watched you as you played in baby jail (your crib) and you were so content. I stood a few feet away not wanting to interrupt your play time and I had the biggest smile on my face. You were just baby-talking away and laughing…a little world all your own, so precious.

I didn’t have as long as I wanted to watch you giggling away to yourself, but it was long enough for my heart to break a little. Right now your little world probably seems euphoric. You have Mommy and Daddy who play with you and love you up and you are always happy. I dread the day you are introduced to the heartbreak of the real world.

someday you will learn things that your precious little mind probably won’t be able to comprehend. You will be taught about many tragedies including Columbine, 9/11, and Newtown Connecticut and you will ask me questions…I fear this hypothetical moment more than you could possibly imagine. 

How will I tell you that I still remember exactly where I was and how I felt on those days? How do I tell you to not be afraid? How do I not protect you from such horror stories? How do I tell you about the innocent babies?

The truth is, baby girl, I will have to tell you the truth and for many reasons. I will tell you the truth because you will trust me…and I will help you through it. I will tell you the truth because those sweet babies deserve to be remembered and I will tell you the truth because unfortunately this is the truth.

This world is not perfect, I know you see that. I know that you can’t imagine how people could treat each other so terribly…I know you will feel disappointed in your world, in the people of the world. You will doubt, you will cry, you will be furious. You will lose peace of mind. It hurts my heart just thinking about it…but baby girl, NEVER LOSE HOPE.

In those terrible moments that test your faith please remember the good in people. Remember the random acts of kindness. Remember the people who stood up for the less fortunate. Remember those that died to protect another. Remember NOH8, remember the people who were not afraid to speak up for what is right regardless of the cost…

and if none of that calms your heavy heart, remember me. Find solace in knowing that no matter what the world threw at mommy…she NEVER lost hope! Do I feel helpless sometimes? Absolutely, but mommy is NEVER hopeless.

How can I be hopeless when God gave me you?  You baby girl are hope! My sweet, talking to herself, shouting Dada, refusing to say Mama, beautiful, little hope!

I love you!

-MOM

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Hello Santa! Today baby girl met Santa for the first time and she was in love with all the jingle bells connected to him! I couldn’t pry her off his lap! Looks like someone just might love Christmas as much as her mama! YES!!!

Hello Santa! Today baby girl met Santa for the first time and she was in love with all the jingle bells connected to him! I couldn’t pry her off his lap! Looks like someone just might love Christmas as much as her mama! YES!!!

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Putting It All Into Perspective!

You know those moments that put things into perspective?  Things seems so out of whack, and then bam that moment happens and FINALLY some clarity! That moment was captured in this picture.

Life is not ideal right now.  I do not have a job and the job hunt is much more exhausting than I could have ever imagined.  My baby girl is popping out teeth left and right and she is in so much pain, breaks my heart.  Slimmy has extra stress because, well I am ALWAYS around now and he rarely gets a break from his lady loves-and again I don’t have a job so I am sure that weighs on him as well.

This transition has been interesting, never easy, but always rewarding. Marriage is tough in itself, but a new marriage and a baby right away can make things so beyond chaotic.  We are doing it though, and doing it well too!

Some days I am frustrated with my marriage. We are not always on the same page or in sync and the lack of sleep from being new parents has us pitted against each other at times. 

Some days I am frustrated with myself. I want to be a better wife and mother, I don’t have it all figured out yet. It’s an awful place to want to do more for your family, but your too exhausted to put your thoughts into actions.

Some days being a mom is heartbreaking.  When you are blessed with a kid who literally only cries when she is hungry or needs to be changed, when she cries because she is in pain-it is almost unbearable.

I think a lot, I worry more, I am fully aware of this, but every now and then one of those moments that I was talking about happens and suddenly you can let out a sigh of relief.

When my friend Rebeccah sent over this teaser shot from our family photo shoot, she probably had no idea she was also giving me peace of mind. Despite the fact that my world is in chaos, that shot of my beautiful daughter and husband stopped my whole world and forced me to be thankful.

Thankful that I get to see them smile everyday, thankful that both of their smiles are contagious, so no matter what I am smiling a lot as well. Thankful that me and Slimmy, regardless of issues, stay united as a team and committed to each other and talk often about adding to our family.

Thankful for the past, and the present and extremely hopeful for the future. We are not perfect by any means but imperfectly perfect looks good on us!

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